i think it's finally hit: the realization that i am 24, i've had 4 short term jobs in my entire life, and my fiance` and I are living with my parents.

though that's just a single piece of my puzzle.

i'm completely lost right now as how to tackle two problems-

1. what i want to do with my life: i've gone around and around till i want to throw up, literally. i've changed majors like underwear and all i have to show for it is a low GPA and a mashed up collection of college credits that most likely don't amount to jack squat. i need a direction and i'm coming up on the big junctions of choices.

-as for a solution to this, i've come far enough to realize this. i want to have enough freedom in my life to use my art in a positive and influential way, but also be able to write about my life and maybe help people with my teachings. i know it sounds selfish to want as much freedom as possible but i truly can't ever see myself as part of "the machine" so to speak. I'm a brass cog floating in the amniotic fluid of the central processor in a giant computer of life.

2. keeping a solid relationship with my parents but still telling them that i need space, badly. my father has always been the strong and silent type. he only steps in with tid bits of wisdom or stories of life that have a logical standing in whatever situation i find myself. while on the other hand my mother has always been the hammer of the family. she brings the functional discipline and rewards that keep the family running. i respect them both without question because they were up against my mothers family. they were controlling, manipulative and emotionally disturbed just to name a few problems. also my parents have worked their asses off to give me just about everything i could ever want and never once did they take out their problems on me so to say the least my home life was picturesque.

-but its past time for me to be here and my parents deserve to be a free couple again. its also past time for Amanda and i to find our own space and begin to set our life in order. i won't lie, i can't work in a traditional sense. i have to have a job where i can sit and work simply because my physical health isn't exactly the best. its not just my weight but its my knee's, and my back, and my neck and the fact that my diabetes keeps me from doing anything strenuous. i need a desk job but for that I'll probably need a degree. nice little merry-go-round don't you think?

anyway,

my larger problem is my ongoing Anger and jealousy problems, but that's another cat in a bag I'm just wishing will go away. it's hard when the two women i care most about in my life are on two completely opposite ends of the spectrum of emotional barriers. Amanda is like a teddy bear. she enjoys the hugs, the kissing, the closeness and laying together and talking whenever something is bothering her. on the other end is Sabrina. she's my best friend and i will forever throw myself under the proverbial train to see that she keeps a smile on her face. she's independent to a fault, which makes us clash heads a lot when i want to be near her or share my thoughts and talk about deeper issues with her. I'm not sure if its because she refuses to get to close to me or that she's scared that I'll leave her like everyone else, but she keeps me at a distance at all times despite letting me hug her or get within her barriers so to speak.

the anger comes from a few things, one of which i doubt i can ever change. the jealousy is the same thing, and turns into anger not at anyone but at the actions and consequences. but thats just not something I'll ever post for public eyes.

take it easy my readers.

~michael~